What You Taught Me

Dear Blessing,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot these past few days as I always do around this time of year. You were such a bright light that came into my world at such a transitional time. I had my life all mapped out and it was going according to plan until you made your brief entrance. Truth be told I was really scared when I found out you were coming, maybe even a little frustrated in the change in plans. Those few weeks we had together brought a roller coaster of emotions ranging from anger and frustration to love and excitement. Deep down in my heart I wanted you. I saw your beautiful heartbeat and your tiny body on the black and white screen. The Doctor told me you were progressing normally and then I knew that we would be bonded forever. However, God had a different plan for both of us. Just a few weeks later in that dark ultrasound room there was nothing but silence. You were gone as quickly as you came. The Doctors and nurses didn’t know what to say to me as I crumbled and wept inconsolably. It was like a light went out and all I could see was blackness. I was in shock and disbelief. I went through the motions of going home, packing a bag, and figuring out the logistics of home life before returning to the hospital. I was surrounded by happy, smiling, and expectant faces of soon-to-be moms. It was cruel going into the maternity ward to only leave a dead baby behind. I was wheeled into an operating room with bright lights and unknown faces. Someone was telling me it would all be over soon and as I fell asleep I saw you. Tears streaming down my face I told you how sorry I was that I couldn’t keep you safe. I told you that I loved you and wished you could stay. The next few months were a blur. Life went on as usual but I wasn’t the same. I missed you everyday. I saw other soon-to-be moms and I thought of what I would be feeling if you were still growing inside of me. It took me a year to feel normal again. I was so hopeful that I could get pregnant again and I did. But you know the rest of the story. You have two more sibling up in heaven with you right now. You saw the months of tears and desperation. When all hope was lost and no answers could be given I gave my dream back up to God. I didn’t know what to think when the test showed positive. I couldn’t connect. I just thought this pregnancy too would end in loss. Now, three years later I have your sister. She’s beautiful, smart, and spunky. If it weren’t for you she wouldn’t be here. I cherish her and I think of you every time I hold her. I didn’t understand why I lost you but now I do. Your time on earth was so short but so impactful. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you. I’m so grateful for our time together and I know one day I’ll see you again. Until then, know that I love you and I’m grateful for you. 

Love,

Mom

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