My husband and I haven’t always had the greatest relationship. I feel deep down we knew we were meant for each other but many times we didn’t act like it. Married that young age of 18, I hadn’t had the chance to get to know myself very well yet, let alone who I was in the context of a marital relationship. There were many times that I felt bitter and frustrated by the choices I had made and took that out on my husband. I had no idea what real love looked like in the day-to-day. How do you love someone more than you love yourself? If I’m being honest, did I really even love myself?
There were some crazy ups and downs to our relationship. Things that could have and should have broken us. For many years it was our son that kept us together. As we matured and began to know and understand ourselves, our love for one another matured. We began to have compassion for one another, set more realistic expectations, and forgive more often.
The course correction in our marriage happened as a result of our spending time together daily. We began to make our coffee time in the morning a way of connecting. It’s what I lovingly refer to now as our ritual of connection. At the beginning it was unstructured and centered mainly around events of the previous day. Now, as I’ve begun to look more into Positive Psychology we use a more structured approach.
In couples therapy I use this as one of my go-to tools. I can’t begin to tell you the automatic shift towards love and intimacy this brings for couples. I’m going to share with you our ritual of connection questions.
- What are you happy about in your life today?
- What are you excited for today?
- What are you proud of?
- What are you grateful for?
- What are you committed to?
The key is to answer to questions differently every day. This helps you to shift your individual focus to personal development while bring your partner in our your journey. As couples begin to spend time in a positive and productive way with one another every day things begin to change. The ritual of connection is the building block for every other tool I use in couples therapy. Interested? Give my routine a try and let me know what happens!