It’s the topic on many couples minds. How do we make room for more intimacy and better connection? I work with many couples who find it difficult to remain connected through chaotic seasons of life.
But, it’s simple really: couples who are intentional about remaining connected and talk about sex, have more sex.
Here are three tips for creating deeper intimacy.
Hellos + Goodbyes
John Gottman’s research finds that couples who give one another a 6 second kiss and embrace during hellos and goodbyes see greater levels of intimacy. How does that work? Well, when a couple touches for 6 seconds, it gives their brains enough time to produce the bonding and intimacy hormones like Oxytocin, Dopamine, and DHEA to name just a few.
Here’s how it works: The person who is the first to leave in the morning initiates the goodbye embrace and kiss. The person who is home first at night initiates the hello embrace and kiss. No side hugs or pecks anymore. Lean in and stay close- 6 seconds is all it takes!
Middle of the day check-ins
I’m thinking of you babe! I love you and hope you’re having a great day!
Both of you will be responsible for this one. Set an alarm on your phone or make it a habit at lunch time to send a quick text.
This lets your partner know 2 things:
You’re in my thoughts , and
I’m being intentional about connecting with you-even during a chaotic day
A recent study showed that dual working couples in their 30’s with children spend an average of 35 minutes a week talking to each other. That’s crazy! Most of those minutes were related to household chores and errands.
Talk about sex
In his Love Lab, John Gottman found that couples who are intentional about talking about sex have more sex. Oftentimes, we get so bogged down by the days events and stressors that sex becomes the last thing on our minds. Let alone talking about it.
Ok, Sonya, so how do we talk about sex? Download the free app “Gottman Card Decks” on your phones. There are card decks that are questions to ask your partner about sex. Start by asking each other one question 3 times per week after the kids go to bed. Make it a routine. Pick the days and stick to it as much as possible.
Resources and final points
Sex is sometimes very difficult for couples to talk about and navigate. Please seek support if navigating this conversation is too painful or causes gridlocked conflict. Contact me through the form on this website or send me an email at sonya@SonyaJensen.com
Last tip, for the ladies: Want a better understanding of your sexuality? Read Comes As You Are by Emily Nagoswki.