Affair Recovery
There’s really no bigger break in trust than our partner having an affair. There are many reasons why a partner might cheat and no matter what, the heartbreak and damage is real.
But it is possible to repair your relationship after an affair —and even come back stronger!— with the right tools and guidance.
How do we heal after an affair?
The first step in the Gottman Method for affair recovery is what we call atone.
Atonement provides the injured partner a safe space to process their feelings and have their questions answered.
In order to move through this stage productively, the injured partner needs to feel their partner’s remorse and willingness to make things right.
Sometimes the questions, feelings and thoughts are on repeat as a partner tries to make sense of what happened. The injured partner doesn’t feel safe and may not trust anything you say. Consistency is key here. You can’t rush through this part of the process to get to the other side. Stay patient and be willing to stay close to your partner as they process. Answer the same questions as often as they need you to.
I know it's frustrating but the more a partner feels like they can’t do this the longer this process will take.
The second step in the Gottman Method for affair recovery is: attune.
Attunement is where the therapist will have you start going back through the history of your relationship and rebuilding the way you communicate with one another.
This is where we begin to dig through what setup this relationship and the needs of both partners to make the relationship healthier. This whole step focuses on training the couple to develop new communication dynamics that allow for both people to work through conflict from the past that hasn’t been addressed or healed from.
The third and final step in the Gottman Method for affair recovery is: attach.
In this final phase of the process, Attachment is when the therapist works on rebuilding intimacy and friendship. Modern sex therapy techniques and rituals of connection are built to help the couple feel a sense of connection that reduces triggers and encourages healthier and more frequent intimacy.
Tips for the injured partner:
Remember, that the healing process takes time. You may never forget what happened but you can heal from it.
Don’t try to rush through this process and just “get over it”. In order to get over it you have to go through it.
Grief is a large part of this process. Grieving the trust and sacredness of your relationship. Grieving a sense of security and feeling like your whole life imploded.
You will get through this and heal. Don’t try to go through it alone and be careful of the choices you make as you deal with your grief.
For the partner who had the affair:
You experienced a loss too. You may have felt really connected to the person you had an affair with. Many people feel like they can’t grieve what essentially is a breakup.
You may need individual counseling to process this loss outside of couples counseling to heal your relationship.
Don’t rush your partner to just “get over it”. I know you feel bad and you promise you’ll never do it again. This affair didn’t come out of nowhere. There were issues in your relationship that weren’t being dealt with and now it’s time to deal with them.
Tell the whole truth, not partial truths. Healing after an affair is possible, healing after more lying and withholding information is often very challenging if not impossible.
Final thoughts
You and your partner have a road ahead of you to recovery. Make sure you have the right people there to support you and both of you agree on who information is being shared with.
If the goal is to stay in the relationship and work through it then you need to have resources and support that help you do that. The first step is finding a good Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) either locally (we’re in Georgetown, Texas) or virtually.
You need to be able to heal. It’s important and necessary to put healing before the need to get even.