How to Bring Back Your Orgasm
Has it been a struggle to orgasm?
This is a main reason many couples will begin to see a reduction of frequency and satisfaction in the bedroom!
As our bodies change, added pressures from life and issues in the relationship evolve over time we may begin to notice our bodies struggling to reach climax. You’re not alone and there are some very practical things you can do to help yourself reach orgasm and/or to take away the anxiety and pressure around performing.
But first, let’s talk about orgasm for a minute!
As you change, so does your body. What worked before may not work now. Especially with excess stress or having a baby our bodies will need more support to reach that place.
In his book, She Comes First, Ian Kerner cites a study that showcases 80% of women have an orgasm after 15 minutes of active stimulation either with a toy, oral sex, or touching. We call this reactionary desire because our bodies might not be in the mood until quite a bit of a play and arousal has been practiced. Teaching your partner what you like for foreplay and trying new toys or ideas can really help to get your body and mind to connect.
Now that we understand a little more about how orgasms work, I want to emphasize (and I know I sound like a broken record here) that we can all help ourselves by reducing the stress and pressure we put on ourselves to perform in every area of our lives.
What do your stress levels have to do with sex & orgasm?
Well, when activated our stress hormones shut down the reproductive system because it’s not necessary to sustain life.
What that means is your body doesn’t need you to have sex or pleasure to live so you’re not going to naturally crave it, understand it, or go after it.
So what can you do to reduce or mitigate stress in your life?
Give yourself 3 things you can do each day for self-care. That could mean setting boundaries around answering your phone or email after 6 pm every night. It could also mean doing a yoga video for 15 minutes from YouTube or asking your partner to help with a chore like getting the kids ready for bed or doing the dishes. Keep these 3 things simple and attainable (it’s not realistic to go get a massage everyday, though that’s certainly self-care!)
Now that we’re addressing stress outside the bedroom, let’s look at what kind of stress we might experience inside the bedroom.
If we have anxiety around something we often put pressure on it to be a certain way, right? This applies to orgasm as much as any other thing in life…
So when we feel like we must achieve orgasm for sex to be “good” that’s a lot of pressure, which causes anxiety and now we’re in a negative loop. This leaves couples often feeling stuck in a rut about the way they have sex and when they have sex.
Instead, try taking away the pressure to orgasm and lean into what your body is saying it likes and wants.
If you don’t know what that is yet, next time you’re having sex with your partner or in an intimate moment check in with yourself…
Do I like this type of touch?
When it goes for this long, am I happy with the experience?
Also, notice what turns you on in general. Maybe seeing your partner play with the kids or that steamy Netflix show you watched?! We call this “Sexually Relevant Stimuli”. What are you doing, seeing, hearing, or touching when you notice that sexual feeling? Don’t have an end goal in mind for sex other than enjoying yourself.
Talk to your partner! If they’re doing something that actively turns you off, let them know. At the same time, also tell them what does turn you on or help you get in that mood! Once you take away the pressure to orgasm and simply allow yourself to enjoy the process, you’ll be surprised how quickly real pleasure comes back for you both!