How to Use “I” Statements

In high-conflict couples, discussions often devolve into blaming and finger-pointing, leading to more tension and hostility. One effective strategy to break this cycle is by using "I" statements. "I" statements are a way to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs without accusing or attacking your partner. This is a powerful communication technique for every couple, but especially high conflict couples. Here are three tips to utilize "I" statements for better communication:

1. Express Ownership of Feelings: Start your statements with "I feel" to take responsibility for your emotions. For example, instead of saying, "You always make me angry," rephrase it as "I feel angry when this happens." By expressing your emotions as your personal experience, you avoid sounding accusatory, which can help your partner be more receptive and less defensive.

2. Focus on Specific Behaviors: Clearly identify the behaviors or situations that trigger your emotions. Be precise and avoid generalizations. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," state, "I feel unheard when you interrupt me while I'm speaking." By pinpointing specific behaviors, you provide your partner with actionable information and increase the likelihood of them understanding and addressing your concerns.

3. State Your Needs: After expressing your feelings and identifying specific behaviors, communicate your needs clearly. Share what you would like to see happen or change. For example, say, "I need us to find a way to communicate without interrupting each other, so we can both feel heard and respected." By stating your needs, you shift the focus towards finding solutions and working together, rather than dwelling on past conflicts.