How to Find Pleasure in Life— and the Bedroom
What comes up for you when you hear the word, pleasure?
Do you feel excited? Intrigued? Guilty?
It can be challenging teaching someone about the need for incorporating pleasure into their lives- including pleasure that requires sexual touching and engagement.
Why?
Because we live stressful lives and if you’re anything like me, you’re constantly on the go. And if you have kids the idea of touch being pleasure can seem like a joke.
But in my experience we want –even crave closeness and pleasure– although finding the time or giving ourselves permission can be next to impossible.
To start with, the definition and experience of pleasure is typically very different from person to person.
Our idea of pleasure can also evolve as we change and move through different life experiences.
I’ll share my definition to help you explore your own:
For me, pleasure is the ability to let go or release responsibility and be fully present in a moment or experience. Pleasure is the opportunity to not have a reason to enjoy something or someone. We’re simply allowing ourselves to enjoy for the sake of it.
When we have intensely pleasurable experiences we usually lose our desire to control the experience and give ourselves over to it.
This might be as simple as wanting to use your favorite mug for coffee, enjoying a drink after a long work day or watching mindless television because it takes me away from the everyday and allows me to feel lighter, more numb or more connected to myself.
You may be asking yourself if the pursuit of pleasure is all about self-gratification and can cause some people to develop unhealthy coping strategies to avoid stress. Absolutely! As much as some of us can lean towards no pleasure in our lives others can lean towards decisions that are only related to pleasure.
The goal is to find a balance in the way you live your life and engage in your relationship with pleasure and purpose.
Pleasure is at the heart of connection and especially sex. If you see sex with our partner or yourself as a chore that you can live without I wouldn’t recommend forcing yourself to do it because you have to.
We need to start with the principles of healthy sexuality and how mutual pleasure is one of the most important aspects of healthy sexuality and ultimately what we want to shoot for as our end goal– not just someone (or both of you) having an orgasm. Crazy, right?!
Let’s take a look at these five principles of healthy sexuality and pleasure…
Healthy Sexuality Principle #1: Consent
What is consent?
We’ve heard a lot about this and it’s still relevant to long-term monogamous relationships.
Consent starts at the beginning of a sexual experience including foreplay and has to be maintained throughout every part of the process of the experience so that both people feel comfortable with what is happening.
You can start out enjoying the process and then change your mind if the talk or techniques are making you uncomfortable. It’s also important to note that in a healthy relationship, a partner wants to know their partner wants to have sex with them and is enjoying the process, not doing it just because they feel obligated to have sex.
Questions to ask one another about consent:
Does it take you sometime to warm up to the sexual experience and how can I help you do that?
Is there anything I say, bring up or practice during sex that makes you uncomfortable or that you would like to stop?
Healthy Sexuality Principle #2: Shared Values
Shared values means that we both want the same things when it comes to sex.
For many long-term monogamous couples this looks like do you want to have sex or are you really looking to connect with me?
The issue lies here in asking and not just assuming, but also trusting your partner that they mean what they say. If you don’t trust that you two want the same thing there may be other issues in the relationship to explore. Or you may need to teach your partner how to interact with you in a way that helps you feel wanted and connected to during the sexual experience.
Questions to ask one another about shared values:
What makes you feel most connected to me during sex?
What can we do outside of sex to enhance the connection we are both wanting?
Healthy Sexuality Principle #3: Free of Coercion
No one wants to feel like they are shamed, guilted into or expected to have sex to receive love, support or get their needs met.
We want to ensure that both partners involved in the sexual experience feel like there’s equality in the sexual experience and that giving or receiving sexual pleasure is because both people are equal participants and not obligated to do anything.
Questions to ask your partner about coercion:
Have you had the experience in our relationship or past relationships where you felt coerced or guilted into having sex? If so, can you tell me what that looked like to you?
What does equality look like in our sexual relationship for you?
Healthy Sexuality Principle #4: Reduced Risk of STDs and Pregnancy
Many times couples who have been together for a long time don’t talk about wanting or not wanting to get pregnant and how that impacts their desire for sex.
Many couples who struggle with issues around birth control and hormones don’t realize the impact this has on their desire to have sex with their partner. If an affair has taken place or the couple has an open relationship it’s also important to talk about and get regularly tested for Sexual Transmitted Infections.
Questions to ask your partner about risk for pregnancy and STDs:
Does your desire or lack thereof for sex have anything to do with wanting or not wanting to get pregnant?
Are you ok with what forms we are using for birth control? If not, what other ideas or options have you thought about?
When was the last time either one of us received testing for STDs and is this something we need to talk more about or look into?
Healthy Sexuality Principle #5: Mutual Pleasure
Sex should be fun and engaging!
Gottman research reflects that the more a couple talks about sex the more they want it and the more fulfilling it becomes.
As our lives change and our bodies change sex and pleasure also changes. What worked once may not work now. It may take our body and our mind time to talk to one another before a partner gets really turned on. We call that reactionary desire. For many women it can take up to 15 minutes of active stimulation like kissing or foreplay before their bodies start to react to sexual sensation.
It’s also helpful to talk about or add sexual toys into the mix if there is a struggle to obtain an orgasm or to feel aroused which is a common issue.
The biggest thing about pleasure is that it should be the end goal of “successful” sex (not necessarily orgasm).
This means that couples who are engaged and enjoying themselves can take the pressure off both or one partner having an orgasm so they can stay in the moment. If we spend too much time worrying about getting or giving an orgasm to our partner we see a rise in issues with vaginal lubrication and erection.
Questions to ask your partner about pleasure:
How do you define pleasure when it comes to sex?
How do you incorporate pleasure into your life apart from sex and how can I support you in doing that more?
Do you know what turns you on during sex and what turns you off?
Pleasure is an important part of our lives, relationships and the sex we’re having.
It’s my experience that many people and couples don’t think about what they want or don’t want, let alone communicate that.
Believe it or not, we don’t start with pleasure in the bedroom. We gain more pleasure in the bedroom when we incorporate pleasure and connection outside the bedroom.
Keep in mind: not only is this a couples issue, it's a personal issue.
If you’re struggling with pleasure it may be time to talk with a sex therapist or counselor to assess the unique issues and struggles you may have with pleasure in your life and relationship. Shame, body changes, communication issues and trauma can have a huge impact on our ability to engage with pleasure both inside –and outside– the bedroom.