Is Porn Ever Okay?

As a certified Gottman Method Couples and Sex Therapist, I field a lot of intimate, vulnerable questions in my practice.

“What do we do if we want different amounts of sex?”

“How can we rekindle our sex life after kids?”

“How can we communicate our needs?”

But the question I get most often might surprise you. The most common thing I’m asked is from couples and individuals wondering if porn is okay.

Let’s unpack this one:

First, you want to talk about porn use with your partner and make sure that both of you feel comfortable with it. There are studies that show that couples who use porn together have enhanced connection during sex and increase in pleasure with their partner.

Often porn only becomes a troublesome issue when it’s used in secret, making the other partner feel not good enough.

The fact is, we all respond to “sexually relevant stimuli”. Our brains often have to be engaged before our bodies feel sexual. But what’s sexually relevant for one person can be different for another. You may feel sexual by reading a romance novel. I dub this “cliterature”. Or there are audio apps that share sexual stories that couples can listen to together. There are plenty of ways to get stimulated with or without the use of sexual images.

The final answer is that using porn is totally fine as long as both partners are aware of its use. Plus, you want to communicate openly about any issues or concerns around porn and set boundaries that you both explicitly agree to and respect.