Communication Mistakes That Ruin Relationships
What makes —or breaks— a relationship?
Most people think differences in age, background, politics, libido or even money habits are what bust up a couple.
But thanks to over 40 years of research, John Gottman and his team have found what really makes or breaks a relationship is communication.
And what influences the health of your relationship most is avoiding what’s been dubbed “The Four Horsemen.”
What are the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse?
The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse are figures in the Christian religion which appear in The New Testament depiction of the end times.
But in today’s world of relationships, The Four Horsemen refer to four communication dynamics that cause relationships to to crumble and trust to erode. According to the research of the Gottman team, the presence of The Four Horsemen can predict high levels of conflict, tension and even divorce.
These four horsemen are:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
As a Certified Gottman Therapist and marriage coach, my job is to look for these dynamics and interrupt them with their antidotes as soon as they appear. Anytime you let any of these horsemen run wild in a conversation, it’s a guarantee that the conversation isn’t going to go anywhere healthy or productive.
The truth is, most couples live in endless loops of trying to get a point across. But how you say something matters way more than what you’re actually saying. Saying what you need to say deserves to really be heard and doing it the right way helps your partner receive the message.
Learning the antidotes for the horsemen and structuring your conversations in a healthy way will lead to more resolution of conflict. In fact, researchers at the Gottman Institute found that the first three minutes of a conversation will dictate its outcome. Below we’re digging into each of the four horsemen and their antidotes so you and your partner can become better and more effective communicators.
Criticism
I call this the gateway drug.
Remember: how you start a conversation will largely predict whether or not you get heard and if the conversation will be productive.
Starting with “you did this” or “you did that” opens up the rest of the conversation to the other horsemen. Starting with a “you” statement often leads a partner to feel attacked and get defensive. So now, instead of my feelings being heard and validated, I hear all the reasons why my partner doesn’t agree with me because they have to defend themselves in the conversation.
Okay, so here’s the antidote: the softened startup!
The softened start up goes like this:
I feel ___ (choose an emotion) about ___ (talk about what brought on that emotion). I need ___ (share a positively stated need).
Let me give you an example:
Sidney is constantly asking her partner to plan date nights and try to be more romantic. Steve is always under pressure at work and often feels extremely tired in the evenings and nights. Instead of enjoying the little time they do have together, they bicker. They yell about whose needs are more important and end up feeling exhausted and ready to just throw in the towel all together.
So let’s use the example of a softened start-up for Sidney without using any “you” statements.
“Steve, I often feel really lonely in our relationship. I feel we lack a sense of fun, romance and spontaneity because of our stress levels and work commitments. I need for us to sit down this weekend and put some date nights on our calendars over the next few months. We can put together the date night ideas together.”
Now let’s do a softened startup for Steve:
“I feel tired and like a failure. I know that we both need more time together but I feel like what I can give isn’t good enough. I know I need to have some time to relax in the evenings and on the weekends. I do want to connect with you and I’d like to sit down this weekend with you to put some dates and plans out on the calendar.”
Do you see how both partners are able to state how they feel and what they need without putting their partner on the defensive? This is one of the most important antidotes to learn and practice!
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is usually brought on by feeling attacked, misunderstood or mischaracterized by our partner. We often feel like the things we do right aren’t acknowledged so when our partner has a need we often feel like we have to prove to them why they aren’t right or that we have done what they’ve been asking of us.
Defensiveness, while normal and completely understandable if criticism is being used, makes our partner feel invalidated and hopeless. This can lead to them shutting down or getting louder and becoming more aggressive which we will talk about in contempt.
The antidote to defensiveness is accepting responsibility.
Accepting responsibility can be both verbal and non-verbal when our partner is sharing their feelings and needs. The important thing is to be quiet about your thoughts and feelings until you can acknowledge your partner’s feelings first if they are the one bringing up the issue.
Accepting responsibility can look like:
nodding your head
asking an open-ended question
saying “okay”
providing a summary to your partner based on what you’re hearing
Let’s practice a few of these using the same example of Sidney and Steve from criticism.
“I can understand why you feel lonely. I’ve felt that way too and it doesn’t feel good. What can we do about it?”
“Okay, if I need help planning those dates, would you be willing to sit down and do that with me?”
If your partner is struggling to use a softened startup and you’re finding yourself feeling defensive, you can try requesting kindly that they please soften their tone or try utilizing the softened startup to express their needs without blame.
The next two horsemen are especially destructive.
Try catching what you can here before it escalates. If you or your partner are having a hard time hearing one another or practicing empathy you need to call a 20 minute break while both of you actively distract yourself by doing something else before you come back and try again.
If you end up having to take a break- that’s okay! Just make sure you set a time to come back and talk before you leave. Leaving your partner without notifying them that you’re coming back will lead to disaster, because your partner might feel abandoned or ignored.
When you separate from one another to calm down try doing two or three of the following:
Take a walk
Listen to a podcast
Listen to music
Read a book
Watch a show
Practice a guided meditation or deep breathing exercise
Contempt
This four horseman can create long-term damage to the person who hears it and the couple as a whole.
Contempt is where I talk down to my partner or use name calling.
Talking down to my partner may sound like, “I would never do this to you” or “you can’t get anything right, can you?”
If you resort to name calling then honestly, you should have stopped and taken a break before you got there...
Many people don’t take a break or allow their partner to take a break from the conversation before it’s too late because we’re afraid we won’t ever come back and talk about it.
Please know that this is something that needs to be worked on immediately. The longer contempt exists in the relationship, the more abusive the relationship becomes. Nobody deserves to live in an abusive relationship and I promise your partner isn’t going to want to meet your needs when you talk like this.
Communicating when both of you are calm, can identify your feelings and practice empathy is the only time to be communicating.
The antidote to contempt is talking only about yourself.
What do I mean by that? Talking only about yourself means you do not talk to your partner about them and what they should or shouldn’t be doing. Go back to the softened startup after you take a break and calm down utilizing some of the options I gave under defensiveness.
If your relationship has chronic amounts of contempt, then it’s time to see a therapist for help.
Oftentimes, we get into a dynamic we hate but we can’t seem to get out of on our own. If contempt is a part of your dynamic and you or your partner become someone you don’t like in conflict please reach out to us!
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is like talking to a brick wall…
You or your partner have gone completely cold and nothing you say creates a reaction. This takes place because one partner has completely closed up and put their walls up to protect themselves during conflict. There’s usually one partner that needs to talk through conflict until a resolution has been created and another who has to go away and think before coming to a resolution.
This typically leads to a pursuing-withdrawing dynamic. The person who needs to pursue the conflict will often use contempt to get heard and the partner who needs space will withdraw and resort to stonewalling.
The antidote to stonewalling is to practice self-soothing and distracting.
Again, you’ll want to try to catch this as early as possible and give you partner a timeframe for coming back to have the much needed conversation.
You can also practice the softened startup here. An example can look like this.
“I feel really overwhelmed and triggered here. I need to take 30 minutes to calm down by taking a walk and listening to a podcast. I’ll be back to talk with you when I’m calmed back down. If I need more time, I’ll let you know.”
What to do when the Four Horsemen show up in your relationship
Many —if not all— couples use one or more of the four horsemen in their dialogue. Using these comes from allowing emotions to build up or by needs consistently not being met in the relationship. Here’s what you can do to shift things to a healthier communication dynamic:
Try to talk through things before they build up
Start every challenging conversation with the softened startup
If your partner is bringing up issues with you, go into a place of active listening to understand instead of just talk back. Afterward you can summarize what you’ve heard them saying and feeling then you can switch to your feelings and perception
To be clear: conflict is healthy, arguing is not.
Healthy conflict is starting every conversation with the idea that there can be two very different sets of emotions and perceptions at play for the same event and both are valid and worthy of being heard and understood. We often try to jump right to active problem solving or begin our discussion with the idea that there’s only one way to look at this situation— and it’s mine.
Using these four horsemen during your conflicts showcases a lack of respect to your partner. Over the long term, not feeling respected, heard or understood is going to lead to more walls coming up and less vulnerability and intimacy.
Intimacy and closeness is developed over time organically as we show our partner that it’s okay to be yourself with me and I won’t judge you.
Believe it or not, conflict is one way you can build intimacy because it allows you to learn and grow with one another as you’ll always have a few things you differ on. Another great sign of intimacy is that both partners can influence one another in healthy ways to open up their minds and perspective around a given topic. We won’t grow in intimacy and openness if we feel shutdown and judged by our partner.
It’s always important to seek a counselor —ideally, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist— if you find that you’re the only one willing to practice these tools. In many cases it’s not that your partner doesn’t want healthier communication but trust has eroded and they feel like they can’t be themselves in the relationship. A trained couples counselor can help you understand yourselves better and help you point out the dynamic that’s getting in the way of you two being able to share yourselves with one another in a more productive, healthy, and vulnerable way.