The Keys to Successful Couples Counseling
Did you know any counselor can call themselves a couples counselor, even without any special training in actually working with couples? Kind of crazy, right?
If you need help in your relationship, it’s so important to work with a certified couples therapist aka a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist or LMFT. And if you’re really serious about improving your relationship and getting the most out of your time/money investment, working with a Gottman Method certified couples therapist is the way to go.
The Gottman Method uses 40+ years of scientific research to unlock what makes relationships work. And the keys to a successful couples therapy session lies in something called, The Sound Relationship House.
What is The Sound Relationship House?
The Sound Relationship House is the model built by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to put together what makes up a healthy relationship. Dr. John Gottman is a famous researcher in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy, utilizing over 40 years of research into what makes love last. We have a specific way in which we structure a treatment plan and how we rebuild a struggling relationship.
What are the treatment steps in Gottman Method Couples Counseling?
Build Love Maps
Love Maps are the foundation of The Sound Relationship House. You can think of it in terms of friendship. When my partner and I spend intentional time checking-in with one another, we have a good understanding of what makes our partner tick. We know the co-worker that’s driving them mad. The best friend our partner goes to for fun and support. We hear a song and remember our partner saying why they loved it so much. It’s knowing the very heart and mind of your partner through intentional ways of connecting on a daily basis.
Sharing Fondness and Admiration
When we look for and share the things we love and appreciate about our partner on a regular basis, it can change the entire culture in a relationship. Oftentimes, when the relationship has been under a lot of stress and the interaction between you and your partner is harsh, this goes out the window. Whatever we look for, we’ll find. Sharing fondness and admiration let’s you work toward a healthier, more positive view of each other.
Turn Towards Instead of Away
“Turning towards instead of away” is another way os saying: making bids for connection. I find that couples get in one of two ruts: “I won’t meet that need because my needs are going unmet” OR “I had no idea you were wanting or needing that.” We’ll identify each partner’s bids for connection and build a plan to meet those needs as opposed to ignoring and not recognizing those needs.
Manage Conflict
I think this one needs a blog post of its own! It’s one of the main reasons for people calling into my office for an appointment. I bet you’ve tried everything to reduce conflict and make changes but it still doesn’t seem to make a difference. I’ll coach you through a specific structure of learning to connect and understand as opposed to listening just to respond. We’ll remove what John Gottman calls the “four horseman of the apocalypse” which are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling from the dialogue. We’ll identify and manage the stress response that makes one or both partners go into “fight or flight” mode. Finally, we’ll learn to ask open-ended questions share assumptions and accept influence.
Make Life Dreams Come True and Create Shared Meaning
Do you have a dream of what you want your life to be? Does your partner support your dream and help you work towards it? As we remove conflict and increase friendship, we’ll begin the discussion of dreams and creating a plan towards attaining them.
Trust
This is a big one. Not all relationships suffer from an attachment injury like an affair or lying. We all ask ourselves:
Will my partner be there for me when I’m sick?
Will I have a partner in decisions?
Does my partner know what matters to me or see the things I do?
Trust is built in small moments. Together, we’ll curate those small moments and have rituals around recognizing them.
Commitment
It’s pretty self-explanatory and most couples just assume commitment as a given. But sometimes, couples will come in not knowing if the relationship is worth fighting for. If that’s the case, we’ll assess where each partner is at when it comes to commitment and provide straight-forward and supportive.
No matter where you’re starting from, there is hope. And with the right roadmap, you and your partner can get back on the path towards having the kind of relationship you’ve dreamed is possible.
Together, you can rebuild and thrive.