What Is Sexual Compatibility?
“I feel like I could go without sex for the rest of my life and not miss it…”
“I feel like I should have sex with my partner, but I never really feel in the mood…”
“Sex is really only for my partner and I don’t get much out of it…”
“I have to drink to slow down and be prepared for sex…”
Do any of these thoughts resonate with you? If they do, you’re not alone: as a Gottman Method Certified Couples and Sex Therapist, these are things I hear both men and women say when they come to my office for couples and sex therapy. One partner wanting more sex than the other or being in a sexless relationship is really common and there are many reasons that couples might end up in these situations.
The assessment of how a couple reaches a place where they’re arguing about sex, not having it, or not wanting it with one another is unique to the couple and is usually multi-faceted. Let’s dive into some of the main reasons why this happens, how it shows up in my practice and some ideas for what to do and when it’s necessary to seek support from a clinician as opposed to going through it on your own.
Communication Issues
Couples who struggle to communicate will often see that show up in the bedroom in some way. For some couples, the only way they connect is through sex and it’s often used as a tool to “keep their partner happy”.
In my experience, the vast majority of couples who struggle with communication issues are likely having very little to no sex. We hold stories in our minds that keep us disconnected from our partner. One of the very common things I hear is that we want to feel that emotional connection before we begin having sex with our partner.
I completely agree that an emotional connection is key to a relationship but can you define what that looks like for you? Many times, the emotional connection is something that we want but when our partner attempts to connect with us we find our guards going up and we don’t know how to bring them down.
Intimacy both physically and emotionally is a two-way street. If you ask for something like emotional intimacy you have to be open to sharing exactly what that looks like for you and be willing to open up vulnerably as much as your partner to make that happen.
If you’ve gone more than six months without having sex, you need to seek out a counselor who is trained in both couples and sex therapy. Please take your time finding the right one and consider using search engines for The American Academy of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) and clinicians trained in either Gottman or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) modalities.
So how can you move through your communication issues and build intimacy into your relationship?
First, create times of connection between you and your partner that are consistent and you two make a priority. This doesn’t have to mean that you do a deep dive into your feelings every time or seek to have sex.
Start out small like making sure that there are no devices on during dinner and you two check-in with one another. Maybe plan a time weekly where you play a game together or go on a walk.
Consistency is key here and the more we practice and count on that time together we develop an environment that feels more comfortable for engaging in both emotional and physical intimacy.
Second, identify a time in your relationship or recent history where you felt emotionally connected or desiring of having sex with your partner. Now think about the context of that time:
Were you less stressed?
Were you away on vacation?
Had your partner said something really kind to you?
Had you engaged in some sort of play or form of connection that felt meaningful to you?
This will help you begin to think about how your environment plays a role in how open you are to connection and then you can share that with your partner as a need.
Third, there may be some issues from your relationship that haven’t been resolved. Consider creating a timeline of your relationship with issues that you feel started breaking the connection between the two of you. If you find that there are quite a few issues that haven’t been resolved or you two struggle to talk about them on your own then you need to find a counselor to help you navigate those issues and teach you more effective communication tools.
Trauma
It’s not uncommon for individuals who have experienced sexual trauma to be ok with having sex prior to getting married or moving in together and then all of a sudden not want to have sex anymore. It can be something about the long-term commitment that causes the trauma to enact a self-protective response and feeling like somebody can control what you do and when you have to do it.
I often see many couples who have a trauma history that impacts their ability to be sexual and not having any idea that there is a connection there. Trauma can be defined as an event or experience that changes the way you see yourself, others, and the world. Trauma can also take place in a relationship and we put our guards up because we don’t ever want to be hurt by our partner again. However, we usually don’t identify what we go through with our partner as traumatic we just respond unconsciously and our partner has no idea what happened.
Trauma is tricky to navigate and make connections because so much of our responses to trauma are unconscious. Getting the support of a clinician is important here to get a thorough assessment of background history and timeline of your relationship to see if there is a connection here and come up with a detailed treatment plan.
Body Image Concerns
If we don’t like our bodies or feel conscious with our partners, we become less likely to want to engage in sex. This can come after having children or years of being together and the stressors of life. If you’ve struggled with an eating disorder in your life or are struggling with one now, you need to see a counselor to ensure that you’re getting appropriate treatment.
Talk to your partner about the parts of your body that you feel most self-conscious about and what you need in order to feel more comfortable during sex as you get treatment from a clinician.
For many people, just hearing kind words from their partner about their bodies can help. Others need to first believe the good things about their bodies before they will ever take a compliment from their partner.
Think about how you’re taking care of your body and watch the thoughts that swirl through your mind about your body. Consider writing affirmations to yourself and saying them aloud daily or as you need it when the negative thoughts come back in. Nurture your body with food instead of punishing your body with not eating. Think of simple movement practices like walking or yoga that you can start out with. Again, seeking treatment from a trained professional like a counselor and nutritionist if this is present is the best starting point for getting better.
Infidelity
If your relationship has experienced either emotional or physical infidelity, sex might be difficult to engage in. Navigating the healing after an affair is really complex and important to seek support as soon as possible. What often happens is we don’t want to hurt our partner so we withhold information and therefore withhold ourselves from having sex.
In my experience infidelity isn’t what breaks a relationship, it's the lying. It can take quite a bit of time to feel comfortable having sex again after an infidelity and you need support to move through this carefully.
Pain During Sex
Pain during sex isn’t normal. First and foremost go see your Doctor if you’re experiencing pain during intercourse. There are many reasons why you could be experiencing pain. Not having enough lubrication during sex and skipping foreplay is a very common issue so make sure you are using enough lube and taking your time to get in the mood before penetration. Sometimes there are underlying conditions that need the support of your Doctor or Pelvic Floor specialist to help you with.
Inability to Orgasm
If you’ve been unable to orgasm during sex and find yourself very anxious about this consider removing orgasm as a way to define “successful sex”. Think of both you and your partner as having a pleasurable experience as the desired outcome.
Our bodies change and what used to work for us may not work anymore. The use of toys, lubricant, and a lot of foreplay are great places to start and explore. Think about what pleasure means to you and how you experience it. Share those things with your partner and talk about any anxiety you might have. Also, if toys or extended foreplay aren’t helping share this concern with your doctor and have an assessment done with a Certified Sex Therapist.
Here are some great recommendations for toys if you haven’t ventured into that yet!
Svakom- This is a device for women that heats up!
The Rose- A device for clitoral stimulation
The Handy- This is a device for men that can help with premature ejaculation or to enhance pleasure and can be connected to a device to use when you are in different locations
There are so many great devices out there and I recommend hitting up Adam and Eve website for other options and resources.
Porn Use
The most common question I get from couples and individuals is wondering if porn is ok.
First, you want to talk about porn use with your partner and make sure that both people feel comfortable with that. There are studies that show that couples who use porn together have enhanced connection during sex and increase in pleasure with their partner.
Often this issue comes up when porn is used in secret, making the partner feel not good enough. We all respond to “sexually relevant stimuli”. Our brains often have to be engaged before our bodies feel sexual. What is sexually relevant for one person can be different for another. You may feel sexual by reading a romance novel. I dub this “cliterature”. There are audio apps that share sexual stories that couples can listen to together.
Ultimately, using porn is fine as long as both partners are aware and any issues regarding the issue of porn or boundaries around it have been talked about and explicitly agreed to.
Sex After Kids
This is a big one! I don’t know about you but having your kids banging on your door asking for a snack during the middle of your quickie in the bathroom can really kill the mood.
The truth is, parents often feel overwhelmed and over touched by the end of the day and not want to connect with one another. It’s really important that we create times of non-sexual intimacy and focus on communicating needs for connection often with one another.
Many couples will fight about the lack of sex and then we don’t get anywhere. Think of how you can develop intimacy throughout the day with sweet texts, snuggling on the couch, or dinner without devices.
Remember: sex is all about pleasure and there are many ways to feel pleasure without penetration. Focus first on figuring out what pleasure is, talk to your partner to create an environment for that, and seek help if you haven’t had sex with your partner in more than 6 months.
Moving Forward
You may find that many of these points resonate with you or maybe just one. Regardless, starting to recognize the issues and addressing them will get ahead of the problem.
Listen: sex and intimacy is an important part of a relationship. If a couple feels safe and trusting of one another they can navigate the changes and challenges in their sexual relationship. If we feel in the dark about our partners' issues, we have walls that have been built up between us, or there are underlying medical issues that haven’t been addressed then seeking outside resources is critical.
Always talk with your Doctor, seek assessment from a Certified Sex Therapist, and get resources from a trained couples therapist (bonus if they’re certified in both, but don’t assume they are! It’s rarely the case.)
You’re not alone and there is hope for your relationship! As a Gottman Method Certified Couples and Sex Therapist, I’ve seen couples walk into my office ready to throw in the towel on their relationship. But with the right assessment tools, guidance and a clear treatment plan and goals, a couple can rebuild and thrive - transforming their struggling sexual relationship into one of deeper intimacy that goes far beyond the sexual.