My Partner Wants a Different Amount of Sex
Let me tell you: there’s not much that feels worse in a relationship than wanting different amounts of sex than your partner.
If you’re the partner that wants more sex you might feel rejected by —or even unattractive to— your partner. And if you’re the partner who doesn’t want as much sex you might feel annoyed with —or even judged by— your partner.
It’s a lose-lose situation and when it goes unchecked, can lead to seriously problems in a relationship.
As a marriage coach who specializes in sex therapy for married couples, differing libidos is one of the top challenges I hear when couples come to my office for couples and sex therapy.
But it’s important to remember: mismatched libido is a couple’s issue not an individual issue. If you and your partner aren’t on the same page, don’t blame one another for wanting “too much” or “not enough” sex. Instead, address this problem head on, together.
If your needs in the bedroom aren’t being met and/or you and your partner have persistent disagreements over how much sex is enough, then the place to start is with communication.
The fact is, sex and intimacy is an important part of a relationship.
But the foundation of real intimacy lies in clear communication.
If a couple feels safe and trusting of one another they can navigate the changes and challenges in their sexual relationship. If we feel in the dark about our partners' issues or we have walls that have been built up between us, it makes moving forward more difficult.
Couples who struggle to communicate will often see that show up in the bedroom in some way. For some couples, the only way they connect is through sex and it’s often used as a tool to “keep their partner happy”.
In my experience, the vast majority of couples who struggle with communication issues are likely having very little to no sex. We hold stories in our minds that keep us disconnected from our partner. One of the very common things I hear is that we want to feel that emotional connection before we begin having sex with our partner.
I completely agree that an emotional connection is key to a relationship but can you define what that looks like for you? Many times, the emotional connection is something that we want but when our partner attempts to connect with us we find our guards going up and we don’t know how to bring them down.
Intimacy both physically and emotionally is a two-way street. If you ask for something like emotional intimacy you have to be open to sharing exactly what that looks like for you and be willing to open up vulnerably as much as your partner to make that happen.
If you’ve gone more than six months without having sex, you need to seek out a counselor who is trained in both couples and sex therapy. Please take your time finding the right one and consider using search engines for The American Academy of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) and clinicians trained in either Gottman or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) modalities.
So how can you move through your communication issues and build intimacy into your relationship?
First, create times of connection between you and your partner that are consistent and you two make a priority. This doesn’t have to mean that you do a deep dive into your feelings every time or seek to have sex.
Start out small like making sure that there are no devices on during dinner and you two check-in with one another. Maybe plan a time weekly where you play a game together or go on a walk.
Consistency is key here and the more we practice and count on that time together we develop an environment that feels more comfortable for engaging in both emotional and physical intimacy.
Second, identify a time in your relationship or recent history where you felt emotionally connected or desiring of having sex with your partner. Now think about the context of that time:
Were you less stressed?
Were you away on vacation?
Had your partner said something really kind to you?
Had you engaged in some sort of play or form of connection that felt meaningful to you?
This will help you begin to think about how your environment plays a role in how open you are to connection and then you can share that with your partner as a need.
Third, there may be some issues from your relationship that haven’t been resolved. Consider creating a timeline of your relationship with issues that you feel started breaking the connection between the two of you. If you find that there are quite a few issues that haven’t been resolved or you two struggle to talk about them on your own then you need to find a counselor to help you navigate those issues and teach you more effective communication tools.
If a mismatched libido is putting stress on your relationship, get in touch with a Certified Sex Therapist, and get resources from a trained couples therapist (bonus if they’re certified in both, but don’t assume they are! It’s rarely the case.)
While sexual desire discrepancies are common and may even feel hopeless sometimes, please take heart! There’s a lot you can to do resolve these situations in healthy and satisfying ways, starting with clear communication.