What Is Stonewalling?
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how happy you are, every single couple has conflict at some point in time. It’s how you navigate that conflict together that really matters…
Do you calmly hash it out with each partner making an honest effort to hear the other person? Or does one partner give the silent treatment?
Giving the cold shoulder —or stonewalling— might seem harmless to a relationship but over time, it can actually tear a couple apart.
What is stonewalling and why is it so harmful? Let’s take a look at this one of The Four Horsemen.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is like talking to a brick wall…
You or your partner have gone completely cold and nothing you say creates a reaction. This takes place because one partner has completely closed up and put their walls up to protect themselves during conflict. There’s usually one partner that needs to talk through conflict until a resolution has been created and another who has to go away and think before coming to a resolution.
This typically leads to a pursuing-withdrawing dynamic. The person who needs to pursue the conflict will often use contempt to get heard and the partner who needs space will withdraw and resort to stonewalling.
Stonewalling might look like a partner:
walking out in the middle of a conversation without warning or explanation
refusing to talk about or give reasons not to talk about an issue
dismissing other person’s concerns
engaging in passive-aggressive type behavior
changing the subject or making accusations to avoid an issue
giving the silent treatment and/or avoiding nonverbal communication such as making eye contact
How does stonewalling effect a relationship?
The effects of stonewalling are harmful not only for the receiver but the person stonewalling, as well.
For the person being stonewalled, they can feel confused, hurt and angry. Over time, stonewalling can wear down on their self-esteem and lead them to feel worthless or hopeless.
For the person stonewalling, they also suffer as they’re denying themselves emotional intimacy with their partner.
For the couple, stonewalling can builds a huge divide in the relationship, leading to more conflict and dissatisfaction in the long run.
How do you repair stonewalling in a relationship?
The antidote to stonewalling is to practice self-soothing and distracting.
Again, you’ll want to try to catch this as early as possible and give you partner a timeframe for coming back to have the much needed conversation.
You can also practice the softened startup here. An example can look like this.
“I feel really overwhelmed and triggered here. I need to take 30 minutes to calm down by taking a walk and listening to a podcast. I’ll be back to talk with you when I’m calmed back down. If I need more time, I’ll let you know.”
Using stonewalling during your conflicts showcases a lack of respect to your partner. Over the long term, not feeling respected, heard or understood is going to lead to more walls coming up and less vulnerability and intimacy.
Intimacy and closeness is developed over time organically as we show our partner that it’s okay to be yourself with me and I won’t judge you.
Believe it or not, conflict is one way you can build intimacy because it allows you to learn and grow with one another as you’ll always have a few things you differ on. We won’t grow in intimacy and openness if we feel shutdown and judged by our partner.
It’s always important to seek a counselor —ideally, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist— if you find that you’re the only one willing to practice these tools. In many cases it’s not that your partner doesn’t want healthier communication but trust has eroded and they feel like they can’t be themselves in the relationship. A trained couples counselor can help you understand yourselves better and help you point out the dynamic that’s getting in the way of you two being able to share yourselves with one another in a more productive, healthy, and vulnerable way.