How Contempt Hurts a Marriage

We’ve all said or done things in the heat of the moment that we regret. I can tell you, there have been plenty of times I’ve looked back on a disagreement with my husband and absolutely cringed at my behavior. But what about when conflict goes deeper and starts to really take root in our marriage?

Of the Four Horsemen of Communication, contempt can create long-term damage to the person who hears it and the couple as a whole.

Contempt is where I talk down to my partner or use name calling.

Talking down to my partner may sound like, “I would never do this to you” or “you can’t get anything right, can you?”

If you resort to name calling then honestly, you should have stopped and taken a break before you got there...

Many people don’t take a break or allow their partner to take a break from the conversation before it’s too late because we’re afraid we won’t ever come back and talk about it.

Please know that this is something that needs to be worked on immediately. The longer contempt exists in the relationship, the more abusive the relationship becomes. Nobody deserves to live in an abusive relationship and I promise your partner isn’t going to want to meet your needs when you talk like this. 

Communicating when both of you are calm, can identify your feelings and practice empathy is the only time to be communicating.

The antidote to contempt is talking only about yourself.

What do I mean by that? Talking only about yourself means you do not talk to your partner about them and what they should or shouldn’t be doing. Go back to the softened startup after you take a break and calm down utilizing some of the options I gave under defensiveness. 

If your relationship has chronic amounts of contempt, then it’s time to see a therapist for help.

Oftentimes, we get into a dynamic we hate but we can’t seem to get out of on our own. If contempt is a part of your dynamic and you or your partner become someone you don’t like in conflict please reach out to us!