How Criticism Harms Relationship

When looking at The Four Horsemen in a relationship, I call this one the gateway drug.

Criticism might not seem like that big a deal —we may even think it’s helpful or constructive to offer criticism to our partner— but this communication habit can really chip away at a relationship little by little, over time.

Remember: how you start a conversation will largely predict whether or not you get heard and if the conversation will be productive.

Starting with “you did this” or “you did that” opens up the rest of the conversation to the other horsemen. Starting with a “you” statement often leads a partner to feel attacked and get defensive. So now, instead of my feelings being heard and validated, I hear all the reasons why my partner doesn’t agree with me because they have to defend themselves in the conversation.

Okay, so here’s the antidote: the softened startup!

The softened start up goes like this:

I feel ___ (choose an emotion) about ___ (talk about what brought on that emotion). I need ___ (share a positively stated need).

Let me give you an example:

Sidney is constantly asking her partner to plan date nights and try to be more romantic. Steve is always under pressure at work and often feels extremely tired in the evenings and nights. Instead of enjoying the little time they do have together, they bicker. They yell about whose needs are more important and end up feeling exhausted and ready to just throw in the towel all together.

So let’s use the example of a softened start-up for Sidney without using any “you” statements.

“Steve, I often feel really lonely in our relationship. I feel we lack a sense of fun, romance and spontaneity because of our stress levels and work commitments. I need for us to sit down this weekend and put some date nights on our calendars over the next few months. We can put together the date night ideas together.” 

Now let’s do a softened startup for Steve:

“I feel tired and like a failure. I know that we both need more time together but I feel like what I can give isn’t good enough. I know I need to have some time to relax in the evenings and on the weekends. I do want to connect with you and I’d like to sit down this weekend with you to put some dates and plans out on the calendar.” 

Do you see how both partners are able to state how they feel and what they need without putting their partner on the defensive? This is one of the most important antidotes to learn and practice!