6 Myths About Conflict
It probably comes as no surprise that conflict is one of the top reasons couples call my office.
But why exactly does conflict cause so much heartache for couples?
It’s because if we can’t talk about anything at all then the relationship can’t grow. And if the relationship can’t grow it begins to stagnate and before we know it, we’re asking ourselves questions like…
What are we doing this for? How long can I live like this? Why am I even with this person if my needs and opinions don’t matter?
We often believe that conflict is bad because we don’t know how to navigate it. The truth is, most of us didn’t grow up having healthy conflict and resolution modeled for us which makes it really hard to figure out in our own lives.
First, let’s talk about what conflict actually is…
My definition of conflict is when two people have two different viewpoints on the same situation or event and those need to be shared and understood– not necessarily agreed with.
Arguing —on the other hand— is when we believe there’s only one way to view a situation or event.
If we’ve spent a lot of time arguing in our relationship we’ll often develop narratives or stories we tell ourselves about our partner and how we interact in conflict. Here are some frequently shared stories I hear from couples:
My partner doesn’t care about my feelings so why even share them…
I have to yell or raise my voice for my partner to even hear me or acknowledge me…
I have to win during this argument because I’m right and they’re wrong…
We have to solve this issue right now because you’re not supposed to go to bed angry…
If we fight it means our relationship is unhealthy and it won’t last…
Apologizing or forgiving my partner means I’m giving in…
It’s understandable that any one of those narratives could be true in your relationship based on how you’ve navigated conflict in the past. There are reasons behind why those stories exist but you might be surprised at which ones are true, which ones aren’t, and what you can do about them.
Keep in mind that the stories you tell yourself keep you and your partner locked in the same patterns of communication.
Many of the above stories are self-protective and not protective of the relationship.
Many of them won’t help you build a loving relationship based on trust, connection, and the ability to see the best in one another and work through what life throws out at you.
Let’s dig into these six common myths about conflict and what’s actually true…
MYTH #1: MY PARTNER DOESN’T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS
Many times our partner does care about our feelings.
However, the way in which we share our feelings or what they infer from our feelings is criticism or blame.
It’s hard for anyone to listen, understand and have empathy for their partner’s feelings when they feel attacked, blamed or criticized.
The solution is to take ownership of your feelings instead of putting the ownership on your partner.
What does that mean? For starters, practicing saying “I feel” instead of “you always…” or “you never…”
Then, also practice putting an emotion right after you say “I feel…”
So instead of saying, “you always nitpick me!” try saying, “I feel criticized and misunderstood.”
Heads-up! Be sure to avoid falling into the trap of turning the “I feel…” statement into an attack on your partner. In the above example, that would sound like, “I feel like you criticize me” which puts your partner on the defensive.
All of this takes time and you have to start with getting to know your emotions and labeling them accurately.
Spend time checking in with your emotions daily through journaling and/or utilizing an “emotional vocabulary” chart.
You can find my favorite emotional vocabulary chart here.
MYTH #2: I HAVE TO YELL OR RAISE MY VOICE TO BE HEARD
Chances are your partner is really tuned out if you have to escalate to yelling early on in a conversation.
This typically stems from a lot of arguing instead of coming to the conversation willing to have a conversation about two very different perceptions.
It’s important to keep in mind that you don’t have to solve an issue for communication to go well.
In fact, it's more important that each person feels heard and understood then it is for you to make a decision about what to do next or about the situation.
We hear better when we feel heard. Take turns being speaker and listener. Ensure that both partners have the opportunity to practice both roles.
Rules for Speaker:
Talk only about yourself
Identify your feelings
Think about what you need in order to move forward.
State needs from the perspective of what you do want instead of what you don’t want.
Rules for the Listener:
Stay out of your own head
Take notes
Use your partner’s words to summarize what you’re hearing them say
Validate that your partner has feelings instead of focusing on the “facts” and whether or not they’re incorrect
MYTH #3: I HAVE TO WIN DURING THIS ARGUMENT
What does winning an argument even look like? Is it truly winning when one person walks away from the conversation feeling hurt, misunderstood, or unheard?
We typically want to win for self-protective reasons instead of relationship protective reasons.
I tell couples that we’re typically never fighting about what we’re fighting about on the surface level. Instead, we’re fighting for something that goes much deeper.
To avoid fighting simply to “win,” try the following steps next time you need to have a hard conversation with your partner:
Think about what you’re fighting for before you begin to dialogue
Take a pause before you start the conversation
Identify your feelings and think about what you’d like to accomplish by having this conversation with your partner
If you just want to vent and be heard-- share that with your partner at the beginning so they don’t offer advice. Maybe you want your feelings to be acknowledged and to know they matter, now you can communicate that as a need to your partner
MYTH #4: WE HAVE TO SOLVE THIS ISSUE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO TO BED ANGRY
This is one of the oldest, most common and most harmful myths out there!
Yes, you need to deal with your issues and not sweep them under the rug…
However, in order for a conversation to go well you have to be in a place to articulate yourself without blame and also have the capacity to hear your partner and show empathy.
If you’re triggered, stressed out, exhausted or worried that this conversation will go nowhere then you might not be in the right place to have the conversation in the first place.
Start by telling your partner that you’d like to have a conversation about something and explore when would be the best time to sit down and talk about it.
There are some partners that need time to process their feelings and perspective and can’t do that right off the bat. If pushed to talk before they’re ready the conversation usually won’t go well. Always, be specific with one another about a time when you’ll talk about it so that things don’t get swept under the rug.
MYTH #5: IF WE FIGHT IT MEANS OUR RELATIONSHIP IS UNHEALTHY AND WON’T LAST
Every couple has conflict. Every.Single.Couple.
In fact, it’s actually more concerning if a couple isn’t talking about the issues in their relationship.
Conflict comes up because we’re different people with different backgrounds, experiences and needs. If we aren’t sharing them how can we grow together as a couple?
Think of conflict as being healthy because it means we’re talking, sharing and attempting to grow with one another. Think of arguing as unhealthy and in need of tools to slow down the process.
MYTH #6: APOLOGIZING OR FORGIVING MY PARTNER MEANS I’M GIVING IN
Apologizing is accepting responsibility and is a sign of emotional maturity.
Whether we intended to or not our partner was hurt by our actions, words or even inaction.
Forgiveness allows us to make a choice to have appropriate boundaries and expectations but not treat someone out of anger or resentment.
Both apologizing and forgiveness are signs of a healthy relationship in which we respect one another and attempt to show empathy and compassion for one another.
YES, YOU CAN LET GO OF THESE MYTHS
Remember: conflict and communication can be tricky to navigate. Especially if we didn’t grow up seeing what healthy conflict and communication looks like, it can feel impossible to get it right in our adult relationships. Even when we’re trying, we can know all the tools but not be able to implement them.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone and there is help. If you find that you and your partner are struggling to utilize the tools you’ve learned it just means something else like trauma or stress responses may be getting in the way and you might benefit from investing in counseling to understand yourself and your partner better.