How to Rekindle Love in Your Marriage
This article originally appeared in Authority Magazine.
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When people first get married, they’re usually deeply in love and extremely excited to be together. But sometimes, over time, that passion and excitement begins to fade.
This has been particularly true after the pandemic, when many marriages went through great upheavals. What can a couple do to rekindle the love and excitement that they used to have when they were first together?
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
The truth is, most people wouldn’t believe the challenges my own marriage faced in the early years.
I married really young –at the age of 18– and we had our first child when I was a few weeks shy of turning 20. My husband was in the US Navy at the time and we were surrounded by other young couples building families. I think I grew up under a rock because I had never seen so many couples struggle the way I saw those other young military couples struggle. We were constantly hearing about divorces and cheating.
To be honest, my husband and I didn’t know what we were doing either or how to build a healthy relationship for the long-haul. It was definitely trial and error!
When our son turned 5 I knew I wanted to pursue a career in Psychology and I wanted to understand what would make love last. I chose to have a career path that emphasized marriage and family therapy so I could better my own marriage and support others to do the same. I’ve been in the field for over 10 years now and have gone on to pursue additional certifications to work with couples in crisis.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
Honestly, the most interesting thing that’s happened to me in this career is how much it’s helped me grow personally.
I’ve changed so much as a result of this field. When you begin your career in psychology you don’t get to choose your specialty until after you fully license. I’ve worked with young kids in foster care, homeless mothers and children, couples in the church, teens with eating disorders and now –finally– couples in severe crisis.
I can tell you that the most challenging lesson I’ve learned is that you can’t work harder than the people you’re working with. I’ve had to slow down my methods to meet people where they are. I’ve obtained additional training in complex trauma which really helped me understand why couples get stuck and also how to help them get unstuck.
I’ve gotten to work with couples all around the world and what I notice is that in the thick of all those stories I’ve heard and witnessed, we’re all very much alike. The human experience is very similar and when we understand and learn to accept ourselves we can extend that same grace towards others.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
I wish I had a funny mistake! In my line of work many mistakes are often detrimental to the client.
My mantra is usually, “you don’t know what you don’t know”. To complete that, Maya Angelou writes, “but when you know you’ve got to do better”. I’ve learned so many lessons along the way.
The first one is that people lie, alot. We want help but we are afraid of judgment. We want to pursue honesty but we also are afraid of being seen and rejected. Even the best therapist can’t help to the fullest extent if we had the full truth. It’s important to accept people where they are at. The therapeutic relationship should be one of healing where we become the place where people feel seen and then inspired through their own work to continue to better themselves. So many of us make the mistake of jumping to conclusions and we miss the evolution of change that we get to be a part of if we slow down.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
The top three character traits I attempt to embody are: influence, grace, and patience.
As a therapist you do hold a lot of influence and responsibility. I think it’s extremely important that I practice what I preach. I don’t ask any of my clients to do something I haven’t done or wouldn’t consider doing. Everything I’ve learned in this field I’ve attempted to apply. From the time we wake up in the morning, to how we write emails, or interact with the people in our lives, we assert some level of influence. I just want to make sure that I set the intention every day of being a positive influence. To show up authentically in every space. I don’t want a different version of me out there in different situations.
Grace is all about accepting and giving forgiveness even when it is undeserved. People are human and we make mistakes. Many of us fear the judgment and rejection of others. I attempt to practice everyday the idea of grace to connect with people in a more genuine way. I believe through the power of love and acceptance people change for the better. Shame only brings temporary change in my opinion.
Finally, patience. My mother always tells me that patience is a virtue. Every night she’d read to me the “Book of Virtues”. I’m a go-getter and when I see an issue I can usually come up with a plan to fix it. Not everyone works at that pace and matters of the heart are rarely easy to untangle and understand. I have to slow myself down in sessions sometimes to ask myself, “where is this person at” and “how can I meet them there?” Patience is the breeding ground for authentic change when paired with grace and education.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Yes! Right now I’m writing my third book which will be released in September of this year (2022). It’s a communication workbook for couples.
I’m also putting together what I’ve loving entitled “The Jensen Method” — a tool for couples therapy where I will give step by step training to clinicians on blending communication tools from the Gottman Method, attachment awareness from Emotionally Focused Therapy, understanding of complex trauma and modern sex therapy.
My team and I are rolling this out in September of this year as an online training and also something that can be in-person down the road.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority about the topic of marriage?
It’s a little known fact that not all licensed therapists are trained in marriage counseling. Marriage counseling is very different from individual counseling. Even with a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy I only took one class in graduate school on working with couples. I recognized I had a pretty big gap from what I had learned and what was really going to help couples.
Over the past five years I have gone on to specialize and to become certified as a Gottman Method Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist. Those two certifications alone equal more than 400 hours of study postgraduate school and supervision.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How to Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of marriages “going cold”?
The word “rekindle” would make readers assume that at one point they had to have felt in love with their partners. For many people that is true or else why get married? However, I ‘ve found that many couples choose a partner after a traumatic experience or were looking for stability and security after the end of another tumultuous relationship. Many people still don’t understand what love is and if they still do –or have ever– felt that with their partner.
Some of the main reasons I see couples love grow “cold” is that they haven’t put any investment into the relationship. The stressors of life move them away from one another and they focus solely on getting through each day and watching a show together at night.
When we aim mainly on supporting one another only through the practical day-to-day experiences, we often lose sight of being or staying curious about our partner and to be honest, ourselves. We start withholding pieces of ourselves from one another, we can’t define love anymore or we don’t like the definition we have of it.
We then begin to compare ourselves to other couples or imagine ourselves with someone else entirely. Some people even day dream about never being in a committed relationship again.
In my experience with helping others in relationship difficulty, I most often hear “lack of communication” as the reason for the difficulty or wanting to end the relationship. Lack of communication is really a symptom of the real root cause, which is always “loss of connection.” What must be done to regain that connection?
First and foremost always start with curiosity. When we think we know everything about a person we tend to tell ourselves stories about them. Which means we don’t even give them a chance to explain themselves and believe them when they do. Without curiosity and willingness to open our minds and have or be influenced we lose the desire to communicate.
Communication is about an active, open dialogue back and forth. Communication isn’t us always being on the same page about everything all the time. We have to learn to be different from one another, work with those differences, and lean into the discomfort of compromise. That builds intimacy and connection-working together instead of saying and demanding “see it how I see it”.
Based on your experience, what is the foundation for a successful marriage?
The foundation of a successful marriage is making time for one another regularly and with intention. To pair with that, and to go back to my point from the previous question, get good at asking open-ended questions and not making assumptions about your partner’s experience.
A couple needs to spend daily time together checking in with one another and not trying to solve each other’s problems. I want my partner to feel like my safe place where I can share whatever is going on and they either support me with empathy or ask me questions to help me better understand myself.
Make daily time for kissing and touching in some way. It doesn’t have to be much, and research out of The Gottman Institute states that it takes 6 seconds a day of kissing to build in the intimacy hormone-oxytocin. To build on that a couple needs to verbalize frequently all the things they see their partner doing and create an environment of gratitude.
It has been said that “a healthy, happy marriage is the union of two generous forgivers”. Can you talk about why forgiveness is so important for a relationship to thrive?
In order to answer that question, we first have to define forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget. Forgiveness means making a conscious choice to not treat my partner out of a lens of anger and punishment. Forgiveness is a daily habit to attempt to see the positive things in our partner, talk through and address boundaries, and emotionally regulate ourselves so we don’t say things that are hurtful because we are hurting.
It’s not what you say but how you say it. Issues have to be addressed and there has to be equality in the work of learning to love one another better. Forgiveness says, “I recognize that this behavior hurt me, but I’m choosing to give my partner the opportunity to make it better and I will teach them how without punishment and anger at the driver’s seat”.
We’re going to hurt one another, we can’t get around that. Forgiveness is an effort to repair after hurt has been caused instead of letting it pile up and equal resentment.
Based on your experience, why do you think couples struggle to forgive and be forgiven?
Self-protectiveness. I’m afraid that if I let my guard down, practice forgiveness and vulnerability that my partner will hurt me again.
This is where we begin to tell ourselves stories like, “I have to keep my feelings to myself” or “my partner will never change”. Those stories keep us guarded from pain so that when our partner does hurt us again (which will happen) we aren’t surprised by it and can have a reason to be angry and hurt.
On the flip side, many of us grew up in households where the use of shame was a big motivator. We refuse to forgive ourselves or to let our partner’s forgive us because we don’t believe we are worthy of it.
Is it important for marriage partners to inspire each other to be the best version of themselves that they can be? Can you please explain what you mean?
Being inspired by our partner can really add to a couples spark! Many of us are deeply influenced by both positive and negative energy. If our partner is attempting to work on themselves, exudes positivity, and is willing to work through hard things, that energy rubs off!
I think that each person in a relationship should attempt to learn, grow, and evolve personally and together. That can cause some challenges for partner’s who are unwilling to do the same work and then that’s a different issue to tackle.
The answer to your question is an emphatic- yes!!
What is the difference between marriage partners being “a team” and not just “a couple” ?
Being a team means we’re working together towards the same goal. Each person within a team knows what their role is, asks for help when needed, and puts as much effort in as their partner.
Being “just a couple” doesn’t necessarily mean we have the same goals and vision for what we’re trying to achieve as a couple in our lives.
You’ve got to ask yourself, “Why am I married?” If you both want to be together for the same reason and know how to work towards that together then you’re going to have a healthier relationship. If one person is pulling all the weight or you’re not talking at all and just going through the motions of life your relationships will hit inevitable hardships and resentment.
Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold?” Can you please give a story or example for each?
Being intentional about putting time together daily on your calendars! Many couples don’t even touch base with one another during the day. Make a point to check-in with one another, ask about feelings each partner is having, and don’t attempt to solve their issues- just listen!
Go out of your way to give your partner 3 genuine compliments a day. Write a text to your partner over your lunch break, tell them how much you appreciate how they keep things running smoothly, or tell them one thing you’re proud of them for at the end of the day. You’ll be surprised how practicing gratitude changes the environment in your home and relationship.
Take time to think about what you need and share it without criticizing your partner. For example, instead of saying, “you’re always so busy and never make time for me anymore”, say, “I miss you and want us to spend more time together. Will you plan a date night for us this week and I’ll book the sitter”. A great way to understand your needs is to start with what emotion is driving how you feel about your partner –maybe it’s lonely or disconnected– then think of the positive opposite emotion which may be close and connected. Finally, ask yourself what you would need in order to feel that positive emotion of closeness and connection towards your partner.
Touch one another! A 6 second kiss and embrace a day can help produce the bonding hormone-oxytocin. You can get used to building touch back into your day to day and slowly over time you will start to want to add more touch!
Practice patience with yourself and your partner. If your spark has gone out and you’ve been in a dynamic of disconnection and frustration for a long time it won’t change overnight and sometimes not for several months of intentional work. Building trust and connection takes time and consistency. Don’t worry if you’re starting out this process not really believing it will work. Play the long game strategy!
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
I have a blog on my website with all my favorite book suggestions and I’ll add them here as well.
What Makes Love Last by John Gottman
Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson
7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz
Come As You Are by Emily Nagowski
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I think we need to see more couples working through hard things and having genuine conversations.
Many of us believe that marriage is supposed to be perfect and we should never fight. There are so many unrealistic expectations out there.
I’d love to do a TV show series walking couples through intensive sessions from being in a place of wanting to divorce to being able to see light and love in their relationship again. TV and online streaming services are where it’s at right now. Having the right tools and seeing how they are used and the change it could bring could help so many couples!
We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)
Gwenyth Paltrow and her Goop team! I think they are making change in our field by giving access to unique treatments and forms of therapy that can really impact those who watch and listen in.
I also love Abby Wambach and Glennon Doyle. I love how they’re so open with their relationship and helping people let go of all the cultural barriers that keep us locked into living small.
Brene Brown is one of my favorite people on the planet. She has changed the game for us as therapists and for people all around the world to live and love fully.
Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!